Lost

I remember when my friend's mother passed away, she was very sad and depressed. I couldn't understand her feelings, I tried to comfort her in the best way I could. Now looking back, my words probably didn't comfort her much. I realise what it means to really being able to comfort someone... is to "have been there" and share the same kind of pain the other person is feeling. It's so much easier to share happiness because everyone likes happiness. Everyone is willing to share your happiness. Everyone can find a way to relate to happiness. Yet, the burden of sadness, that's a different story. Even the closest person to you may not be able to share your burden of sadness. Not because that person doesn't want to share with you your sadness, it is his/ her ability to understand and relate that make them incapable. Who wants/ likes to get themselves in the deep pain when they "don't have to"? It's only intuitive for human to avoid "pain", it's self protective nature. Yet, if that person has been there, has experienced it, he/ she can connect with your feelings immediately. He/ she may not even need to say one comforting word, but just be there and shed tears with you and you already feel better, like someone has taken part of the burden away.

I miss my dad. I miss him and regret for not spending more time with him. Yes, he has his new family, his new life but that doesn't change the fact that I am still his blood related daughter. I feel so stupid now that I look back all the worries that prevented me from seeing him more, for caring for him more. At the end of the day, what matters? Other people's feelings? Other people's view? All I wish now is to be there for his last breathe, for his last few minutes on earth that I was there with him. To be there to say a last prayer with him, to hold his hand, to kiss him good-bye.

Emma and Jack Jack

Emma didn't eat her lunch again today. She took one bite, she didn't like it and she left it, went with a hungry stomach for the whole day just because she didn't like the sandwich I made her. Sigh, my stubborn little girl. I was so angry when I saw her lunch box, I started raising my voice. Not only did I worry about her health, angry with her pickiness, I am also sad to see the wasted food. I really hope she will grow out of her pickiness. Hearing me raise my voice and Emma started crying, Derek just said in his annoyed voice "can I have some quietness please?" That just fueled my anger further. Of course, my voice got even louder and Emma got more scared. I went to continue cooking dinner (at the same time, on top of the crying and mommy yelling, Jack Jack has to scream and asked to be picked up, he was hungry). Emma was told to stand at the corner until she stops crying and calmed down. Poor girl. Five minutes later, I hear this little voice whispering, "mommy, I want to pray for you....so you don't get mad.... be nice to me mommy". My heart softened, I picked her up and hugged her tight. We both calmed down. I explained to her why I was angry and we prayed together for patience and love for each other. Meanwhile, dinner was still cooking, Jack Jack had to come pull Emma away as he saw that mommy was holding sister but not him and he was still very hungry....
This is my life, my everyday life. Boring but challenging.

V-day and Family Day

How long has it been? Must have been more than 4 years. It's been more than 4 years since Derek and I went on a trip alone, without kids. Lately, it has been really exhausting. Work has been stressful, kids have been demanding, housework never ending. I felt burn out, trapped, boring. Daily life is just so boring. I thought to myself, is this it? Life is just like this, rush to work, rush home, cook dinner, rush rush rush, sleep... get up and start the rush routine all over again? Where did romance go? Where did excitement go?

More frustrating besides the stressful boring daily life, is to feel neglected and not appreciated. Thank God, my friend bought me a book called "How we love", I think everyone should read this book. It talks about understanding people, people that matter in your lives. It talks about how we become the persons we are today, from our childhood experiences, experiences that are stored in our subconscious memories. It talks about the different personality type or referred to as imprints in the book. The book is absolutely amazing, not only did I find out more about myself and why I react in certain ways, I learnt more and understand more about my own husband, whom I thought I know very well. Also, I learn about how I treat my kids will affect how they turn out as adults, as parents later on in their lives. From my perspective I felt un-loved, un-appreciated; yet, I found out that it was my husband's personality type - or imprints- that prohibited him from showing his compassion. He was just simply not taught to show love. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. The book is good in a way that it doesn't only tell you which imprint you fall into, it talks about how you can overcome your short falls. In short, there's hope. We can all overcome our short falls in our imprints, as long as we understand ourselves and be persistent in trying.

I talked to my husband about how I felt, in honesty and with love. Let him know that I am not trying to change him or pressure him, just want to be able to love him more and be better couple together. Be happier parents to provide happier home to our kids. Thank God, for His grace and mercy, Derek did listen and try to understand even though to him it was very hard.. almost like understanding another language. Derek made the effort of taking me on a 2-day trip to Montreal (mini-Paris as he referred) for a romantic alone getaway. Two-day trip was not a long time but he knew I would miss the kids too much if we went longer (he was right). It was short but it really revive the romantic memories. It revived our feelings for each other. It helped us focus on each other for 2 days, no computer, no work, no kids. After this trip, we both agreed we should have this getaway trip every year, just the two of us.

God Bless America

Today is a historical day not only in American history but also in the world history. The 44th President of United States - Barack Obama, the first black American President!! I am not a politics follower but even I made the effort to sneak out of work at lunch today to watch the inauguration. The inauguration started off with an opening prayer which in my point of view was the most touching part. I especially like the part that goes "[God] Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world"and the prayer ended in saying the "Lord's prayer"



I don't know Barack Obama and what he has done before he became the president of USA, as I said, I don't follow politics and especially not the American politics. Yet, I feel touched seeing him becoming the first black American President. Can you imagine the number of black kids out there looking up to him and the hope Obama presents to these kids? Just imagine, parents telling their kids "if a black African immigrant can climb his way up to become the most powerful man on earth, you can also do it too kid, there's hope!"



I especially like Obama, not knowing what he has done or will do, base on the fact that he came from middle/ lower class family and worked his way up. He wasn't born into a "Presidential" family like George Bush, he worked hard to come to this day. He has seen people across different classes face different challenges, he doesn't take things for granted, he knows humility. I like the part of his speech that says

"Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task."

How we all need these awakening words, not just Americans. Honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism, these values are so hard to find nowadays. Are we not of a generation full of "fast tracking", "work smart, not work hard", "if someone else can do it, let them do it", "let money work for us, we don't need to work hard, that's old school".... etc. It's such sad phenomenon yet so overwhelmingly popular, it's hard to fight and stand firm on your own values. As a parent, I worry for my kids. Try as hard as I might, I cannot be sure that these "old school" values can be taught well to my children that when temptations come, they will still stand firm on these "old school" values. Even I am not sure I myself can stand firm when tempted. How glad and touched I was when I heard Obama spoke those words!! May God Bless Obama, Bless America and Bless the rest of the world through this newly inaugurated President.

Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

All of a sudden, I am thinking of a bunch of "oldies" songs:

"I believe the children are our are future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be ..."

Looking at my children, how I can not marvel at God's creation and His amazing love? How can I not give thanks and feel blessed. How can anyone look at a new born baby and believe we are a product of some random evolution? Every part of our body so perfectly designed, so beautiful. I remember holding my new born baby for the very first time, and this rush of intuitive love just rushed into my heart. The minute the nurse handed him to me, as I held him, he stopped crying instantly, slowly opened his eyes, and beamed me the most amazing smile, showing his two cute little dimples. At that moment, I felt no pain, no worry, just pure joy. I couldn't stop but kept kissing him. Filled with amazement, felt so blessed. My children, they are truly gifts in my life.

Looking at my children grow, it really gives me a chance to "grow" once more. Things that I missed as a child, I get a "second chance" to try them out. It's amazing how I remember my childhood (feelings in particular) so vividly. I get to learn to sing children's songs I never knew before, I get to play with toys I wanted but never got before, I get to watch the cartoons I never watched as a child, I get to read fairy tales I never read before. But better, I get to relive my childhood with my own children!! How amazing is that?!

As I "relive" my childhood this second time, I am starting to understand my parents more. I understand why things happened the way they did and the difficulties my parents faced before. At the same time, I understand my children too when they did what seems to be "bad things" in other people's eyes. I remember myself doing and acting the same way as a child too.

Looking at my children, I sometimes wish I can just think and act like them, in such simplicity, with such pure heart. Whatever they want, they just point to it and let you know they want it. When they are sad, they cry, when they are happy, they laugh. Very simple, very direct. Sometimes when my daughter, Emma cries, I tell her to stop crying, but you know what, I shouldn't tell her to stop. I didn't before, when she was younger, I used to just hold her close to me until she stops. What happened? As we grow, people expect us to hide our feelings, is that what it is? We made our children complex, don't we? We should really let them be children while they can still "be children".

Freezing in the Cold

I don't recall in my past 20 years living in Toronto that it has been this cold, or it's extra cold when Derek is not here?
I think on top of "snow storm days" when we get off work and school, we should also get "extreme cold days" off too. Days like this should be spent in a warm home, sipping away a cup of hot chocolate, put our feet up and read a good book while sitting beside the fireplace. Then when it comes time to eat, we should have "hot pot" and have a feast at home with our loved ones. After eating, with full and warm bodies, we should play some Wii games to burn some energy. At night, we should just sit and watch a good movie before we go to sleep in our warm beds. No work, no worries, no rush, no coldness, that's how I think "Extreme Cold Days" should be spent.

Everyday Mom

Have you ever had disappointments with your parents as a child? Did you ever say to yourself, "When I grow up and have my own kids, I will definitely not do this to him/ her"? Well, I have and I wrote in my diary, when I was 12-years-old, that when one day I have my own kid, "I will not do....etc... to him/her". The one I remember the most is "I will not tell my kids to shut up". I remember as a child, my parents were always busy, away from me, whenever I see them, I would love to talk to them and ask them lots of non-sense questions. One time, my parent told me off and said "will you just shut up?" The feeling of rejection was so impressed that I still remember today.

And so, I enter motherhood with many fantasies, I have it all planned out how I want to bring up my kids. I read books after books on parenting. I tabbed the Bible on verses referring to how to bring up a child. I was sure I would be a good mom. Then, my first child came, my little angel, Emma. She is the most precious and blessed gift from God. She has good temperament, she listens when I told her to. Even when it came time to her "terrible two", it lasted only for a few days and she was back to my little angel. I read to her as much as I could, play with her as much as I could, pray with her, take her to church with me, basically take her everywhere with me except for work. I was sure I was half way through to being the "GOOD MOM". As time goes by, work gets heavier, daily chores seems never ending, no matter how early I wake up in the morning, I still find myself rushing and losing my patience. Everyday is like "fighting a war" the minute I get up. I start to spend less and less time with Emma, not to mention ever since the introduction of new member Jack Jack. I start raising my voice, yelling across the living room and yes... I must confess, I shocked myself one time hearing myself said "Shut up Emma"!!

What happened? I look in the mirror sometimes and find this cranky woman looking back at me with messy hair... I can hardly recognise myself. What happened to this gentle, kind and patient mommy I fantasised myself to be? Why am I so stressed?
One time I broke down and start sobbing... I can't do this. How can I manage all these things. There are just too many things to do... from preparing breakfast, packing lunches, getting the kids ready for school and go to grandma's house, to making dinner, washing dishes, doing laundry, bathing the kids, reading stories, play with them, tug them in bed, prepare food to tomorrow's dinner, then take a bath myself... and it's already 11pm.... and still some laundry to fold!! That's not the end... now that Emma is in JK, there is homework I need to help her with ALREADY. The teacher said she is "falling behind" in school. "Mrs. Lai, I hope you will spend some time with her with her school work and help her catch up".. that's what her teacher said. Where do I find the time??? I felt like screaming.

Is this what it takes to be a "Good mom"? Something is not right. I don't find myself enjoying Emma anymore, or at least not as much as I did before. Not that I don't love her, I still lover her dearly, I would do anything for her but something is not the same anymore. I used to smile when she smiles. When she cries I would run to her and hug her until she stops. I remember the first thing she said when she first went to school (she was only 18months) and she told the teacher "Emma happy, mommy happy". That's how it was like. But now, I am blinded by all the daily chores and stress in life... and pressured by my own "good mom" standard... I lost the one most important thing... enjoying and building relationship with my children.
Suddenly it strikes me as I was reading this verse:
"But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."- Luke 10:42

For those of you who are not familiar with the bible story, this story started with Jesus visiting Martha's house. Martha was so thrilled to have Jesus come stay with them that she was running around preparing dinner, cleaning the house, getting rooms ready, while her sister Mary, just sat by Jesus' side, listening to His teaching. So Martha was angry and asked Jesus, "Lord, you do care that my sister has left me to do the work all by myself, don't you? Then tell her to help me." Surprisingly Jesus replied by saying "But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."

Don't we all lose sight of what's important in our lives sometimes? Is a tidy home more important then my daughter's feelings? If not why do I scream at her when she forgot to tidy up her toys? Is a clean house more important then spending quality time with my children? If not why do I spend hours cleaning and washing while I lose patience with my children for the 15min I spent with them? Is a bigger house and prettier clothes more important then my children's happiness and closeness to us? If not why do I prioritise my job and my time to my job over my devotion to my children? Why would I rather spend hours shopping for pretty clothes for my children, rather than just sitting quietly at home and spend quality time with them?

Lately, I am reading a book called "Nurturing your child's soul". This is such a good book to read for those of you who are parents to little kids. I am not done reading it but one of the important points I learnt already is just being there, my presence, with my children is already good enough. We don't have to planned a day packed with exhausting activities, we could simply be silly together at home. I tried this, I try sitting there quietly and just watching them play, all of a sudden, I find myself having new insights to my children's characters. Just by watching them play, you will see their true colors shining through. (or not so nice colors then at least you find out the problem now and can think of ways to help them overcome that)

Alright, another important thing about being a mom is discipline, which means I must stop typing now and go to bed. Otherwise I will be cranky again tomorrow. Good Night.