God Bless America

Today is a historical day not only in American history but also in the world history. The 44th President of United States - Barack Obama, the first black American President!! I am not a politics follower but even I made the effort to sneak out of work at lunch today to watch the inauguration. The inauguration started off with an opening prayer which in my point of view was the most touching part. I especially like the part that goes "[God] Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world"and the prayer ended in saying the "Lord's prayer"



I don't know Barack Obama and what he has done before he became the president of USA, as I said, I don't follow politics and especially not the American politics. Yet, I feel touched seeing him becoming the first black American President. Can you imagine the number of black kids out there looking up to him and the hope Obama presents to these kids? Just imagine, parents telling their kids "if a black African immigrant can climb his way up to become the most powerful man on earth, you can also do it too kid, there's hope!"



I especially like Obama, not knowing what he has done or will do, base on the fact that he came from middle/ lower class family and worked his way up. He wasn't born into a "Presidential" family like George Bush, he worked hard to come to this day. He has seen people across different classes face different challenges, he doesn't take things for granted, he knows humility. I like the part of his speech that says

"Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task."

How we all need these awakening words, not just Americans. Honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism, these values are so hard to find nowadays. Are we not of a generation full of "fast tracking", "work smart, not work hard", "if someone else can do it, let them do it", "let money work for us, we don't need to work hard, that's old school".... etc. It's such sad phenomenon yet so overwhelmingly popular, it's hard to fight and stand firm on your own values. As a parent, I worry for my kids. Try as hard as I might, I cannot be sure that these "old school" values can be taught well to my children that when temptations come, they will still stand firm on these "old school" values. Even I am not sure I myself can stand firm when tempted. How glad and touched I was when I heard Obama spoke those words!! May God Bless Obama, Bless America and Bless the rest of the world through this newly inaugurated President.

Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

All of a sudden, I am thinking of a bunch of "oldies" songs:

"I believe the children are our are future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be ..."

Looking at my children, how I can not marvel at God's creation and His amazing love? How can I not give thanks and feel blessed. How can anyone look at a new born baby and believe we are a product of some random evolution? Every part of our body so perfectly designed, so beautiful. I remember holding my new born baby for the very first time, and this rush of intuitive love just rushed into my heart. The minute the nurse handed him to me, as I held him, he stopped crying instantly, slowly opened his eyes, and beamed me the most amazing smile, showing his two cute little dimples. At that moment, I felt no pain, no worry, just pure joy. I couldn't stop but kept kissing him. Filled with amazement, felt so blessed. My children, they are truly gifts in my life.

Looking at my children grow, it really gives me a chance to "grow" once more. Things that I missed as a child, I get a "second chance" to try them out. It's amazing how I remember my childhood (feelings in particular) so vividly. I get to learn to sing children's songs I never knew before, I get to play with toys I wanted but never got before, I get to watch the cartoons I never watched as a child, I get to read fairy tales I never read before. But better, I get to relive my childhood with my own children!! How amazing is that?!

As I "relive" my childhood this second time, I am starting to understand my parents more. I understand why things happened the way they did and the difficulties my parents faced before. At the same time, I understand my children too when they did what seems to be "bad things" in other people's eyes. I remember myself doing and acting the same way as a child too.

Looking at my children, I sometimes wish I can just think and act like them, in such simplicity, with such pure heart. Whatever they want, they just point to it and let you know they want it. When they are sad, they cry, when they are happy, they laugh. Very simple, very direct. Sometimes when my daughter, Emma cries, I tell her to stop crying, but you know what, I shouldn't tell her to stop. I didn't before, when she was younger, I used to just hold her close to me until she stops. What happened? As we grow, people expect us to hide our feelings, is that what it is? We made our children complex, don't we? We should really let them be children while they can still "be children".

Freezing in the Cold

I don't recall in my past 20 years living in Toronto that it has been this cold, or it's extra cold when Derek is not here?
I think on top of "snow storm days" when we get off work and school, we should also get "extreme cold days" off too. Days like this should be spent in a warm home, sipping away a cup of hot chocolate, put our feet up and read a good book while sitting beside the fireplace. Then when it comes time to eat, we should have "hot pot" and have a feast at home with our loved ones. After eating, with full and warm bodies, we should play some Wii games to burn some energy. At night, we should just sit and watch a good movie before we go to sleep in our warm beds. No work, no worries, no rush, no coldness, that's how I think "Extreme Cold Days" should be spent.

Everyday Mom

Have you ever had disappointments with your parents as a child? Did you ever say to yourself, "When I grow up and have my own kids, I will definitely not do this to him/ her"? Well, I have and I wrote in my diary, when I was 12-years-old, that when one day I have my own kid, "I will not do....etc... to him/her". The one I remember the most is "I will not tell my kids to shut up". I remember as a child, my parents were always busy, away from me, whenever I see them, I would love to talk to them and ask them lots of non-sense questions. One time, my parent told me off and said "will you just shut up?" The feeling of rejection was so impressed that I still remember today.

And so, I enter motherhood with many fantasies, I have it all planned out how I want to bring up my kids. I read books after books on parenting. I tabbed the Bible on verses referring to how to bring up a child. I was sure I would be a good mom. Then, my first child came, my little angel, Emma. She is the most precious and blessed gift from God. She has good temperament, she listens when I told her to. Even when it came time to her "terrible two", it lasted only for a few days and she was back to my little angel. I read to her as much as I could, play with her as much as I could, pray with her, take her to church with me, basically take her everywhere with me except for work. I was sure I was half way through to being the "GOOD MOM". As time goes by, work gets heavier, daily chores seems never ending, no matter how early I wake up in the morning, I still find myself rushing and losing my patience. Everyday is like "fighting a war" the minute I get up. I start to spend less and less time with Emma, not to mention ever since the introduction of new member Jack Jack. I start raising my voice, yelling across the living room and yes... I must confess, I shocked myself one time hearing myself said "Shut up Emma"!!

What happened? I look in the mirror sometimes and find this cranky woman looking back at me with messy hair... I can hardly recognise myself. What happened to this gentle, kind and patient mommy I fantasised myself to be? Why am I so stressed?
One time I broke down and start sobbing... I can't do this. How can I manage all these things. There are just too many things to do... from preparing breakfast, packing lunches, getting the kids ready for school and go to grandma's house, to making dinner, washing dishes, doing laundry, bathing the kids, reading stories, play with them, tug them in bed, prepare food to tomorrow's dinner, then take a bath myself... and it's already 11pm.... and still some laundry to fold!! That's not the end... now that Emma is in JK, there is homework I need to help her with ALREADY. The teacher said she is "falling behind" in school. "Mrs. Lai, I hope you will spend some time with her with her school work and help her catch up".. that's what her teacher said. Where do I find the time??? I felt like screaming.

Is this what it takes to be a "Good mom"? Something is not right. I don't find myself enjoying Emma anymore, or at least not as much as I did before. Not that I don't love her, I still lover her dearly, I would do anything for her but something is not the same anymore. I used to smile when she smiles. When she cries I would run to her and hug her until she stops. I remember the first thing she said when she first went to school (she was only 18months) and she told the teacher "Emma happy, mommy happy". That's how it was like. But now, I am blinded by all the daily chores and stress in life... and pressured by my own "good mom" standard... I lost the one most important thing... enjoying and building relationship with my children.
Suddenly it strikes me as I was reading this verse:
"But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."- Luke 10:42

For those of you who are not familiar with the bible story, this story started with Jesus visiting Martha's house. Martha was so thrilled to have Jesus come stay with them that she was running around preparing dinner, cleaning the house, getting rooms ready, while her sister Mary, just sat by Jesus' side, listening to His teaching. So Martha was angry and asked Jesus, "Lord, you do care that my sister has left me to do the work all by myself, don't you? Then tell her to help me." Surprisingly Jesus replied by saying "But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."

Don't we all lose sight of what's important in our lives sometimes? Is a tidy home more important then my daughter's feelings? If not why do I scream at her when she forgot to tidy up her toys? Is a clean house more important then spending quality time with my children? If not why do I spend hours cleaning and washing while I lose patience with my children for the 15min I spent with them? Is a bigger house and prettier clothes more important then my children's happiness and closeness to us? If not why do I prioritise my job and my time to my job over my devotion to my children? Why would I rather spend hours shopping for pretty clothes for my children, rather than just sitting quietly at home and spend quality time with them?

Lately, I am reading a book called "Nurturing your child's soul". This is such a good book to read for those of you who are parents to little kids. I am not done reading it but one of the important points I learnt already is just being there, my presence, with my children is already good enough. We don't have to planned a day packed with exhausting activities, we could simply be silly together at home. I tried this, I try sitting there quietly and just watching them play, all of a sudden, I find myself having new insights to my children's characters. Just by watching them play, you will see their true colors shining through. (or not so nice colors then at least you find out the problem now and can think of ways to help them overcome that)

Alright, another important thing about being a mom is discipline, which means I must stop typing now and go to bed. Otherwise I will be cranky again tomorrow. Good Night.

Love, Hate, Death

I used to love reading love stories, especially the ones with happy endings. As I grow up, reality hits and I start to think "love stories" remain stories, it doesn't happen in real life and I stop reading them.

Have you ever love someone so much that you think you'd do anything for him/ her? Then one day, you realise the person whom you trust and love so much turns out to be a hypocrite. He/she actually uses your trust and love to hurt you. What do you do? Disappointments, frustrations, and hatred slowly starts to boil up. You run away from that person as far as you could and hope you'd never see or have to talk to him/her again. And you wonder, will I ever be able to stop hating that person? Will I ever be able to forgive that person? Slowly, you start to forget or seem to forget about this person, you move on with life. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to forgive that person one day, time cures everything.

One day, you get a phone call, you hear the news that the person whom you loved and hate has leukemia, your hands start shaking, the palm of you hands start sweating, tears start rolling down your cheeks... and you wonder, do I actually still love that person? Scenes of the past comes flashing before your eyes so vividly, it's just like yesterday. How could it be? It has been years!! How can I still remember so much, how can the feelings still be so real? Your mind races through many thoughts, your heart is aching with mixed feelings. I must go and see that person now before it's too late! Whatever happened, it's in the past, if I don't see that person now I may regret for life.... but does it mean I forgive that person? Painful scenes flashes before your eyes, how I can I forget? The pain is still so real and deep inside my heart.

On the day you see that person again after that many years, you can hear yourself say "Hello, how are you?" Who's that voice so calm and cold, you wonder, is that my own voice? You take a good look at that person, once black hair has turned completely grey, once strong and broad body has withered into think weak body in a wheel chair. Your heart softened but your head tells you "don't give in, don't fall for it again". You hear that person asks, "where are your kids? I was looking forward to seeing them." Your heart aches some more, is this how I take revenge? "They are somewhere else, I don't think it's suitable for them to come to hospital, they are still so young afterall". You see disappointment and sadness quickly flashes by his eyes. Is this how it's going to end? Will this be the last time I see this person? If it weren't for the two strangers sitting close to that person, you'd have probably screamed "I forgive you, I still love you, you still hold an important place in my heart, even after all that you have done... I still love you". Of course, it didn't happen, you hear youself say "I know you don't believe but I will still pray for you... if you don't mind", this time with a softer tone.

That might be the last time you see that person, or maybe you'll still have anothe chance to see that person, who knows. Some time later, you heard someone telling you that the person's cancer has resided after chemo treatments. You felt relieved and keep praying, this time not about forgiving this person,

沒有Derek 的日子

You never really know how important a person is in your life until that person is suddenly away from you. That's how I feel these days when Derek left for his 3 weeks vacation in HK. The first night he was away, Emma woke up crying, saying she feels scared; probably insecure knowing daddy is not home. Then Jack Jack also woke up screaming and crying until I hold him really tight. Then for the whole week, I just simply cannot fall asleep at night. At first I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep. I thought maybe because I didn't have to do much now that Derek is not at home. We go over to my in-laws for dinner at night, we come home, I only have to bathe Emma, play with her and Jack Jack, and put them to bed. Maybe I am just not tired enough. However, after a few days, even when I am exhausted, I still cannot fall asleep. Something is missing, then I realised that we all miss Derek, we simply miss his presence. As for the kids, they have their own way of expressing their feelings:
- Emma just simply express her feelings through words, "I miss Daddy", " I am worried about Daddy", "I am going to save some french fries for Daddy", "I like this picture because it has Daddy in it, I like Daddy", and prays for Daddy at night before she sleeps. How I love the simplicity of a child.
- Jack Jack on the other hand, who doesn't talk yet, points to the empty bed and make the hand sign of "no more", meaning "no daddy?" He also points to the desktop picture with Derek on it and said "Da Da?"
While I enjoy the laziness, I prefer the presence of Derek. We are counting down on the days he comes back.