Have you ever had disappointments with your parents as a child? Did you ever say to yourself, "When I grow up and have my own kids, I will definitely not do this to him/ her"? Well, I have and I wrote in my diary, when I was 12-years-old, that when one day I have my own kid, "I will not do....etc... to him/her". The one I remember the most is "I will not tell my kids to shut up". I remember as a child, my parents were always busy, away from me, whenever I see them, I would love to talk to them and ask them lots of non-sense questions. One time, my parent told me off and said "will you just shut up?" The feeling of rejection was so impressed that I still remember today.
And so, I enter motherhood with many fantasies, I have it all planned out how I want to bring up my kids. I read books after books on parenting. I tabbed the Bible on verses referring to how to bring up a child. I was sure I would be a good mom. Then, my first child came, my little angel, Emma. She is the most precious and blessed gift from God. She has good temperament, she listens when I told her to. Even when it came time to her "terrible two", it lasted only for a few days and she was back to my little angel. I read to her as much as I could, play with her as much as I could, pray with her, take her to church with me, basically take her everywhere with me except for work. I was sure I was half way through to being the "GOOD MOM". As time goes by, work gets heavier, daily chores seems never ending, no matter how early I wake up in the morning, I still find myself rushing and losing my patience. Everyday is like "fighting a war" the minute I get up. I start to spend less and less time with Emma, not to mention ever since the introduction of new member Jack Jack. I start raising my voice, yelling across the living room and yes... I must confess, I shocked myself one time hearing myself said "Shut up Emma"!!
What happened? I look in the mirror sometimes and find this cranky woman looking back at me with messy hair... I can hardly recognise myself. What happened to this gentle, kind and patient mommy I fantasised myself to be? Why am I so stressed?
One time I broke down and start sobbing... I can't do this. How can I manage all these things. There are just too many things to do... from preparing breakfast, packing lunches, getting the kids ready for school and go to grandma's house, to making dinner, washing dishes, doing laundry, bathing the kids, reading stories, play with them, tug them in bed, prepare food to tomorrow's dinner, then take a bath myself... and it's already 11pm.... and still some laundry to fold!! That's not the end... now that Emma is in JK, there is homework I need to help her with ALREADY. The teacher said she is "falling behind" in school. "Mrs. Lai, I hope you will spend some time with her with her school work and help her catch up".. that's what her teacher said. Where do I find the time??? I felt like screaming.
Is this what it takes to be a "Good mom"? Something is not right. I don't find myself enjoying Emma anymore, or at least not as much as I did before. Not that I don't love her, I still lover her dearly, I would do anything for her but something is not the same anymore. I used to smile when she smiles. When she cries I would run to her and hug her until she stops. I remember the first thing she said when she first went to school (she was only 18months) and she told the teacher "Emma happy, mommy happy". That's how it was like. But now, I am blinded by all the daily chores and stress in life... and pressured by my own "good mom" standard... I lost the one most important thing... enjoying and building relationship with my children.
Suddenly it strikes me as I was reading this verse:
"But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."- Luke 10:42
For those of you who are not familiar with the bible story, this story started with Jesus visiting Martha's house. Martha was so thrilled to have Jesus come stay with them that she was running around preparing dinner, cleaning the house, getting rooms ready, while her sister Mary, just sat by Jesus' side, listening to His teaching. So Martha was angry and asked Jesus, "Lord, you do care that my sister has left me to do the work all by myself, don't you? Then tell her to help me." Surprisingly Jesus replied by saying "But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."
Don't we all lose sight of what's important in our lives sometimes? Is a tidy home more important then my daughter's feelings? If not why do I scream at her when she forgot to tidy up her toys? Is a clean house more important then spending quality time with my children? If not why do I spend hours cleaning and washing while I lose patience with my children for the 15min I spent with them? Is a bigger house and prettier clothes more important then my children's happiness and closeness to us? If not why do I prioritise my job and my time to my job over my devotion to my children? Why would I rather spend hours shopping for pretty clothes for my children, rather than just sitting quietly at home and spend quality time with them?
Lately, I am reading a book called "Nurturing your child's soul". This is such a good book to read for those of you who are parents to little kids. I am not done reading it but one of the important points I learnt already is just being there, my presence, with my children is already good enough. We don't have to planned a day packed with exhausting activities, we could simply be silly together at home. I tried this, I try sitting there quietly and just watching them play, all of a sudden, I find myself having new insights to my children's characters. Just by watching them play, you will see their true colors shining through. (or not so nice colors then at least you find out the problem now and can think of ways to help them overcome that)
Alright, another important thing about being a mom is discipline, which means I must stop typing now and go to bed. Otherwise I will be cranky again tomorrow. Good Night.
And so, I enter motherhood with many fantasies, I have it all planned out how I want to bring up my kids. I read books after books on parenting. I tabbed the Bible on verses referring to how to bring up a child. I was sure I would be a good mom. Then, my first child came, my little angel, Emma. She is the most precious and blessed gift from God. She has good temperament, she listens when I told her to. Even when it came time to her "terrible two", it lasted only for a few days and she was back to my little angel. I read to her as much as I could, play with her as much as I could, pray with her, take her to church with me, basically take her everywhere with me except for work. I was sure I was half way through to being the "GOOD MOM". As time goes by, work gets heavier, daily chores seems never ending, no matter how early I wake up in the morning, I still find myself rushing and losing my patience. Everyday is like "fighting a war" the minute I get up. I start to spend less and less time with Emma, not to mention ever since the introduction of new member Jack Jack. I start raising my voice, yelling across the living room and yes... I must confess, I shocked myself one time hearing myself said "Shut up Emma"!!
What happened? I look in the mirror sometimes and find this cranky woman looking back at me with messy hair... I can hardly recognise myself. What happened to this gentle, kind and patient mommy I fantasised myself to be? Why am I so stressed?
One time I broke down and start sobbing... I can't do this. How can I manage all these things. There are just too many things to do... from preparing breakfast, packing lunches, getting the kids ready for school and go to grandma's house, to making dinner, washing dishes, doing laundry, bathing the kids, reading stories, play with them, tug them in bed, prepare food to tomorrow's dinner, then take a bath myself... and it's already 11pm.... and still some laundry to fold!! That's not the end... now that Emma is in JK, there is homework I need to help her with ALREADY. The teacher said she is "falling behind" in school. "Mrs. Lai, I hope you will spend some time with her with her school work and help her catch up".. that's what her teacher said. Where do I find the time??? I felt like screaming.
Is this what it takes to be a "Good mom"? Something is not right. I don't find myself enjoying Emma anymore, or at least not as much as I did before. Not that I don't love her, I still lover her dearly, I would do anything for her but something is not the same anymore. I used to smile when she smiles. When she cries I would run to her and hug her until she stops. I remember the first thing she said when she first went to school (she was only 18months) and she told the teacher "Emma happy, mommy happy". That's how it was like. But now, I am blinded by all the daily chores and stress in life... and pressured by my own "good mom" standard... I lost the one most important thing... enjoying and building relationship with my children.
Suddenly it strikes me as I was reading this verse:
"But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."- Luke 10:42
For those of you who are not familiar with the bible story, this story started with Jesus visiting Martha's house. Martha was so thrilled to have Jesus come stay with them that she was running around preparing dinner, cleaning the house, getting rooms ready, while her sister Mary, just sat by Jesus' side, listening to His teaching. So Martha was angry and asked Jesus, "Lord, you do care that my sister has left me to do the work all by myself, don't you? Then tell her to help me." Surprisingly Jesus replied by saying "But there's only one thing you need. Mary has chosen what is better, and it is not to be taken away from her."
Don't we all lose sight of what's important in our lives sometimes? Is a tidy home more important then my daughter's feelings? If not why do I scream at her when she forgot to tidy up her toys? Is a clean house more important then spending quality time with my children? If not why do I spend hours cleaning and washing while I lose patience with my children for the 15min I spent with them? Is a bigger house and prettier clothes more important then my children's happiness and closeness to us? If not why do I prioritise my job and my time to my job over my devotion to my children? Why would I rather spend hours shopping for pretty clothes for my children, rather than just sitting quietly at home and spend quality time with them?
Lately, I am reading a book called "Nurturing your child's soul". This is such a good book to read for those of you who are parents to little kids. I am not done reading it but one of the important points I learnt already is just being there, my presence, with my children is already good enough. We don't have to planned a day packed with exhausting activities, we could simply be silly together at home. I tried this, I try sitting there quietly and just watching them play, all of a sudden, I find myself having new insights to my children's characters. Just by watching them play, you will see their true colors shining through. (or not so nice colors then at least you find out the problem now and can think of ways to help them overcome that)
Alright, another important thing about being a mom is discipline, which means I must stop typing now and go to bed. Otherwise I will be cranky again tomorrow. Good Night.
Welcome to the blogging! :)
ReplyDeleteGood post! Not only you, probably many people out there said: "I will never do this when I have my own children." Many people envision how their lives will turn out, but reality will not always be the same.
I always think you are one of the most amazing young moms I know. You are so good with taking care of and acting as a role model for little Emma and Jack Jack. I am always amazed by how well you keep things under such good control. Don't be so hard on yourself. A mom who loves her children is already the best mom in the world. :)
you are really too hard on yourself! and you've really got to relax a bit, you know. slack off on some of the household chores mah. like you said it's more important spending time with your kids :) don't set such a high standard in being the perfect mom! just be a down to earth mom that's easy for your kids to approach :)
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